Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that has always been, as I am sure is for many people, very complicated for me. I like to think that I am a forgiving person; most of the time I can forgive and forget very quickly. However, there are people who I have had trouble forgiving. I have seen what happens to people who cannot/will not forgive others. The bitterness that resides in them, the hurt it causes, and eventually, the separation it can cause. The only way it ends is with regret.

My family has been ripped apart by bitterness and stubbornness. My Dad has a brother. Did you know that? I have three more cousins that I never hear about. The reasons is that there have been disagreements in the past, just as every other family; but because of stubbornness and bitterness they have extracated themselves from our family. What have my grandparents (now just my grandmother) and my father done about it? Said "good riddance!" How terrible! I miss my aunt and uncle and cousins dearly! My grandmother tells me how sad she is and how much she misses her son and grandchildren; she sends them cards only to have them sent back unopened. Her heart is broken. However, she hasn't driven over there. She hasn't really pursued it.

I have asked both my father and grandma if they would forgive the rest of our family, and they have said grudgingly that they would. However I think there would be a lot of groveling, and I don't see that happening. I have been attempting to figure out how I can help, but I don't know how. My oldest cousin and I were always close growing up and I miss him very much. We spent so much time together, all of my time at my dad's when I was young was spent with him. We got into trouble together, played together, and when we were older, ran around together. I haven't spoken to him in ages. I would really like to rekindle that bond. I want my family to know the rest of my family.

Anyway, the reason I was writing this was to talk about forgiveness. I actually had another illustration in mind, but I suppose the previous one works just fine. As I was saying before, I haven't really had trouble forgiving for the most part; however when I have been really hurt, especially repeatedly, I have had a very difficult time forgiving. I just recently was able to truly forgive someone who had hurt me repeatedly for as long as I can remember. I am truly at peace with that person. However, I want to stress that it wasn't me of my own power who was able to forgive. God gave me the strength and the love. I have never truly understood the depths of God's love and forgiveness. My children have helped me to understand.

The bible talks about God as our father and his perfect love and forgiveness for us. The problem with this in my mind was that I couldn't figure out how he could let rapists, murderers, or child molesters into heaven. I think I have figured it out. I love my children unconditionally. I know that if William did something heinous, God forbid, I would be devastated. It would horrify me that this perfect little creation of mine could do something so terrible. While I would ache for him and whoever he hurt, I would want nothing more than for him to repent and go to heaven.

Would you want to spend eternity without your child? It was in that moment that I truly understood God's love. You would always forgive your children and ache for them to be right with the Lord, and you would never stop loving them. This is how God loves us. He will always be waiting with open arms, never have stopped loving you.

Unbelievable Love

I have been thinking about my boys a lot recently; how could I not seeing as how I am with them all day every day! Anyway, I remember being pregnant with Owen and being worried and in awe at the same time thinking "how could I possibly love this baby as much as I love William?" I already had a fierce love burning for this baby in my chest, my need to protect him was unbelievable. However, I still could not understand how I could have that much love in my heart?

Well, the past few weeks have been extremely difficult; the hardest thing I have ever done in fact! I was contemplating how insane we were to have two babies so close together, but at the same time I wasn't able to think of doing it a different way. I thought to myself, "if you had to choose which son to not have right now which one would it be?" I couldn't even wrap my head around that question. Of course I know that if I didn't have one I would have so much more time to devote to the other, but it is impossible for me to choose which one. Of course, I don't have to, and I'm sure I never will (God willing).

I was also thinking about Jacob and Esau in the bible. I can't imagine what their mother would have gone through knowing how they battled. When I thought about how she encouraged Jacob to swindle his brother out of Isaac's blessing at his deathbed I was truly perplexed. My thought was "how could she shortchange her eldest out of this right?" I first wondered if she was playing favorites between the brothers but I don't think that is the case. I think she knew that for one reason or another Jacob needed to have that blessing instead of Esau. A mother knows her children; knows what they are capable of and tries her best to help them achieve it. I think this is an example of a mother trying to do what is right by her children, even if it doesn't appear so at first glance.