Unbelievable Love

I have been thinking about my boys a lot recently; how could I not seeing as how I am with them all day every day! Anyway, I remember being pregnant with Owen and being worried and in awe at the same time thinking "how could I possibly love this baby as much as I love William?" I already had a fierce love burning for this baby in my chest, my need to protect him was unbelievable. However, I still could not understand how I could have that much love in my heart?

Well, the past few weeks have been extremely difficult; the hardest thing I have ever done in fact! I was contemplating how insane we were to have two babies so close together, but at the same time I wasn't able to think of doing it a different way. I thought to myself, "if you had to choose which son to not have right now which one would it be?" I couldn't even wrap my head around that question. Of course I know that if I didn't have one I would have so much more time to devote to the other, but it is impossible for me to choose which one. Of course, I don't have to, and I'm sure I never will (God willing).

I was also thinking about Jacob and Esau in the bible. I can't imagine what their mother would have gone through knowing how they battled. When I thought about how she encouraged Jacob to swindle his brother out of Isaac's blessing at his deathbed I was truly perplexed. My thought was "how could she shortchange her eldest out of this right?" I first wondered if she was playing favorites between the brothers but I don't think that is the case. I think she knew that for one reason or another Jacob needed to have that blessing instead of Esau. A mother knows her children; knows what they are capable of and tries her best to help them achieve it. I think this is an example of a mother trying to do what is right by her children, even if it doesn't appear so at first glance.

Doctor Drama

Well, I Just got back from one of Owen's many doctor appointments. I hate those things. Here's the reasons why; all they do is upset me. I know my baby is fine, but apparently they don't. They have to do all of these procedures like ultrasounds and labs drawn and rectal temperatures and get him naked for EVERYTHING and it's just way too hard on a 6lb baby. Then, they show me charts and tell me how small he is and how he MIGHT have this problem or that problem, or that is at risk for yada yada yada. And then, at the end of the appointment they tell me everything is fine. I already knew that! So... can we just skip to that line and quit upsetting my baby please? Also; if anyone gives me grief about the fact that I am not breastfeeding anymore I think I will smack them. Wanna know why?

1. I had to pump every 4 hours for 7 weeks; you try that and see how much fun it is.

2. I was losing my milk supply; somehow a pump can't establish a good milk supply... imagine that.

3. I have talked this over with NICU doctors, nurses, and my pediatrition and we all decided this was the best decision.

4. Owen is FINE! We have enough milk to give him all of the benefits of breastfeeding with my stored milk.

5. If I had brought him home, he was not likely to establish a good breastfeeding pattern until he was at least 44weeks old, which would mean that I would have to rent a scale, weigh him before nursing, right after nursing, feed him the rest of his food by mouth, THEN pump AGAIN, all while trying to take care of my other son. Remember him?

6. NOT BREASTFEEDING DOES NOT MAKE ME A BAD MOTHER! So please, do not insinuate that I am one.

Anywhoo.. enough about that. On a lighter note; William is counting to ten now! He's such a brain! I'm not bragging I swear. Okay, maybe I am a little.... I am also very excited to be up and mobile and have *some* energy! (somehow, being up all night takes a lot of it away). I am able to cook EVERY NIGHT! I love it so much! Last night I had my mom, step-dad, and brother over and made them all dinner. We had Chicken satay skewers, stir fry with ginger spice sauce, and a delicious sorbet. :) Tonight I'm making some CRAAAAZY nachos! Yaaay food! All of this and I am still managing to obey weight watchers and lose weight! Go me! I suppose that's all for now; I need to feed Owen :)